Marijuana Growers Were Newbies Once Too

Usually when we hear about these marijuana grow operations,. we hear about, or see video, of the good ones. With indoor grow ops, we see these complicated setups - tubing, meters, lighting, buckets or tables. With outdoor ops we see these huge trees, some standing upwards of 9 feet tall or 9 feet in diameter.

When I first started growing, I got excited and inspired by these setups, especially indoor grow ops. It gave me encouragement but I still didn't have all the know how. I had the access to information but nothing will ever replace the knowledge you gain from experience. You don't gain experience from growing perfect marijuana every time. You learn more by making mistakes and grower error.

I want to show people - that are interested in growing marijuana and even those that may have lost faith in their ability - that we all make mistakes because we were all new at this job at some point. Even the professionals, some with 5 to 30+ years of experience still make mistakes.

Here are some great errors admitted by marijuana growers [I'll let you know why, if it's not obvious]:

"I remember my brother's first attempt at hydro. It was a damned mess. He was hot gluing everything instead of using grommets and tubing. Eventually, it ended up with him flooding the damn bedroom and you could see wet spots in the ceiling of the garage above the room lol."

"My big error was using tape on a water pump that was too damn strong for one dripper ring. I walked into the room and just heard that empty water pump sound. I ran to the closet to see an empty bucket. Luckily it was only about 2 gallons of water total. I unplugged everything just in case and used a lot of towels."

"First several times I tried to grow with 100W incandescent bulbs. Other'n that, I got nothin'."
[Incandescent bulbs, or regular light bulbs, do not have the right spectrum of light that will promote plant growth]

"I've heard of people that are convinced their herb tastes like grapes not because of the strain but because they pour in a gallon of grape Koolaid the last week of flower."
[Usually people who don't know much about marijuana either make up or believe made-up stories of how marijuana gets its scent or flavor. Different marijuana strains have their own natural scents and flavors. Sometimes some scents match those already in nature, some desirable, some not. For example, who wants their marijuana to smell and taste like a skunk?]

"When I first went indoor, I couldn't fer the life of me get em to flower. Mel Frank and High Times helped me feel like an idiot. 12/12 huh...who knew???"
[12/12 refers to the light cycle of 12 hours of light and 12 hours of dark to mimic the changing season. 12/12 signals the plant to start flowering or growing buds. Marijuana won't show buds indoors unless you signal it to do so.]

"I remember my first 'real' indoor grow (8 x 4' flouros mixed cool/warm) back in 93 or 94. "You can tell if you have a female by the sets of two white hairy pistils that originate at the base of a branch in a calyx" "preflowers can be seen much sooner, and you might need a magnifying glass"...was what the text read. Little did I know you couldn't see them when the plant was two or three sets of leaves tall! LOL. My god, I was right in there with my face looking for the 'preflowers' trying to figure out if I had boys or girls! After a few weeks of wondering, I saw my first sets of preflowers and I was hooked! Thanks, now I have to go back to my corner..." [Preflowers]

"I got a couple good stories about a buddy of mine out here. I gave up on trying to help him because he just doesn't like to listen. 1# He use to stab the dirt through out his whole grow to aerate the soil. I told him don't do that you are killing the roots. Still didn't listen, **** knew best!!!! 2# He use to cut off all the leaves in about the 5th week of flower. Said lets more light reach the bud. Said this way he would get bigger buds, Because the buds need more light than the leaves. Don't want big leaves just big buds. I love this guy but his head is thicker than the walls out here."
[First problem is obvious, I think. The second problem is that the buds do not support themselves. The fan leaves are the light gatherers and process the light, air, and nutrients for the buds, THC, seeds, etc. In other words, YOU NEED FAN LEAVES]

"...sold a newb a 10" can fan that he wanted to use to exhaust a 10'x10' bedroom.. Told him it was overkill for the room and he needed at least double the surface area of the fan for intake.... A big f'n hole lol. he didn't think so, thought the small gaps around the door was fine. Couple days after runnin the fan it sucked the bedroom window right off the frame into the room onto his plants hahahahaaa.. best lessons learned are the hard way I guess."
[Negative Pressure]

"When I first got my 1k set up going...I was trying to cut corners an had a vast supply of boxes that were 10 inches deep an were 7x7inches around...they were cardboard so I lined with 2 thats right 2 plastic grocery store bags....was my first encounter with black mold....lol"
[Cardboard and moisture is a breeding ground for black mold which can cause/aggravate asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia]

"I was told by a friend, that shwagg seeds grow shwagg plants, dense, compressed brown nugs......according to him....he saw a shwagg plant lol."
[example of what can be done with schwag seeds]

"I once thought that a 2k room didn't need any cooling in the summer, with temps hitting the mid 40s Celsius. Had a nice bubba S1 clone that produced great looking buds with no smell and practically no high, musta cooked all the volatiles and cannabinoids right out of them...lol"
[2k refers to 2 kilowatts of light which gets pretty hot. This could have been worse than what occurred. Please make sure to use proper ventilation in any grow room.]

"Heres one I heard few years ago....some dude was going out of town for a week an asked a buddy to feed an water his girls...second day into it the friend mistakes ph-up for being a nute an gave em all a healthy dose of ph-up...couple days later entire dead crop..lol"
["pH up" is used to balance the pH (acidity/alkalinity) of hydroponic solution. Proper pH is important to aid in the plants uptake/absorption of nutrients. Too high or low will cause "nutrient lockout".]

Don't think you can't do it because you don't have a green thumb. Don't get discouraged because your first, second, or even third attempt failed. It's the mistakes that teach you the most important lessons. So, don't be afraid to admit your humanity by asking questions or getting information if you need help. Tens of thousands of growers around the world go in and out of marijuana growing forums just so they can help others. And, it's all free of charge. Dust yourself off and get dirty again.

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30 Days, No weed. Can I do it?

Intro

Many people think that marijuana is addictive. This idea is very much wrong. The concept of marijuana addiction comes from one of two places: lies/misinformation or addictive personalities. As I am properly informed and I do suffer from an addictive personality, quitting marijuana for 30 days should be no problem for me.

Misinformation is one thing. Lying is another.

Sometimes, we as a people, have to rely on sources that we believe are credible due to their position, title, stature in the community. A great example of this are police officers. Society, in general, usually has the belief that police officers have the community's best interest in mind. This is usually why most police officers aren't questioned when they make false statements. No one is saying that this person is lying to us outright. The officer may very well believe what he's telling the people. This is why we have to question the messenger.

Imagine some random person comes up to you claiming your significant other cheated on you. You'd question them: How do you know? Unfortunately, as it is human nature, we don't question who we believe is credible. Well, where does this police officer get his information from? We don't know do we. But, because this person has a badge and blue uniform, we're supposed to believe him. Right? Wrong. I am not asking anyone to never believe another police officer. I am asking people to question the messenger.

Pseudo-Addiction

I have a friend who told me outright that he couldn't quit marijuana. I thought this was very weird. I've stopped using marijuana in the past personally and without any adverse reactions. I'd go for a week or two and not have any "crave" or withdrawal problem that's been popularized in the past. My own situation made me think about why my friend couldn't quit, yet I could with no problem.

In talks with him, others, and reading accounts of fake-addiction, I came to the realization that he was weak. I've yet to see someone who admits to being addicted to marijuana not come out and say they're addicted to other substances as well. He not only smoked marijuana, but he also smoked cigarettes, drank liquor, and had other problems stemming from long before he smoked marijuana. While watching the news regarding California's legalization issue, a woman called in claiming she was addicted to marijuana. Before I could wonder what other addictions she had, she admitted using a variety of different drugs but didn't name them all either.

One day, my friend and I were talking about quitting again and I confronted him when he claimed he was addicted to marijuana. He admitted he knew marijuana was not addictive but that he indeed had an addictive personality. In other words, he's one of those people that has to be attached to something. Once he had a girlfriend, he completely quit marijuana turning it down at one point leaving me to smoke by myself. However, the minute they broke up, he called to tell me that he started back up again. Interestingly enough, the woman who called into the news program was a born again Christian. Let's be honest, those types scare the hell out of most normal people. They're personalities are way overboard. But, let's not get anything twisted, they replaced one "addiction" for another. That's the sign of an addictive personality, not addiction to marijuana.

Truth? Find out for yourself

Unfortunately, my "truth" about marijuana not being addictive is simply my own personal story, empirical evidence so to speak. It won't be enough for some people. Most police officers and especially DEA, masters of misinformation in my opinion, would trump up every rebuttal in the book including lies and deceit. I can bring out a million other pot heads, and former pot heads, to help me prove my point but it may still not be enough. Why not trust people of a higher or stronger reputation? "Who?", you ask. How about doctors and researchers who have actual experience studying marijuana and its effects. And, all I am asking is that YOU get proof from actual studies, not uneducated police officers and not even from marijuana users like me (although we have actual first hand experience). I am very much certain that my information is 100% correct.

Can I do 30 days?

There are some people who are never going to accept this reality. The answer to the question will be a resounding "NO!" They truly believe that marijuana is addictive. Going 30 days without smoking marijuana would be inconceivable.

Their attitudes are HILARIOUS.

For the record, I am currently on day 6 of not smoking marijuana. If anyone knows anything about TRUE addiction, there's no way in hell I could go 6 days without smoking marijuana unless I am getting "professional" help. I must be going through some serious withdrawal symptoms. Well, no! I do not exhibit any withdrawal symptoms, none at all. I do not have the shakes of a cocaine addict. I do not have the irritability of a caffeine or nicotine addict either. Actually, I am pretty calm, relaxed, and functioning very well if I do say so myself. This is because I know for a fact that marijuana not addictive. Why?

Hold on to your pants folks!

The last time I took a hiatus from smoking marijuana was starting June 1st (technically mid May) and ending November 1st of 2008. Yes, that is 4 months of not smoking marijuana. Why? How? Simply put, I had gotten food poisoning in early May. I couldn't smoke anything for the whole time that I was sick. Everything pretty much aggravated my stomach. Only thing I could handle was tea and eating very small meals. When it was finally over, I realized that I went about two weeks without using marijuana. I simply didn't want it anymore. My friend, the same one with the addictive personality, invited me over since I was back from the dead. He had a blunt rolled and waiting. I told him that I wouldn't be smoking because I didn't have the urge anymore. He said, "We'll see about that when you get here!" After hours of XBOX360, I went home as sober as I walked in, as sober as a a born again Christian, which isn't saying much, I know.

For me, 30 days of not smoking marijuana is as easy as Lance Armstrong riding his bike one New York City block. And, I only have another 24 days to go. It officially ends on March 22nd. That's when I'll smoke marijuana again.

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Marijuana Monday Ep 14.1: Best marijuana I've ever had!

Marijuana Mondays

The big thing in marijuana is medical. Now, I won't act as if I am some debilitated, terminally ill individual that uses marijuana medicinally to relieve insurmountable pain. However, I am an insomniac which affects everything else in my life. Sometimes, I could stay up 36 hours before I finally crash and the most I've slept is about 6 hours which is an oddity for me. However, while smoking marijuana I get regulated to a degree. Depending on how I use, I can get varying and helpful effects. Overall, I enjoy the high. So, I want to tell two short stories about the best marijuana I've ever had.
Check the last episode: Marijuana Monday Ep 13: Education is Legalization

Brainstorm (aka Hempstar)

A few years ago, I purchased this marijuana called Hempstar from my connect (dealer). It was in the first few days of me getting top quality bud and not that crap on the street - the discovery phase, so to speak. The Hempstar was funky, stink in a good way. It was packed with little "diamonds" or trichomes which is where the THC is manufactured in the plant. Basically, in looks and smell, Hempstar was just very good.

I got home with this new marijuana and rolled a good sized blunt, chocolate philly (which is easier to roll that most people think). As I began to smoke, I got upset. I was watching tv and I felt nothing. Ok I am never getting this marijuana again. I wanted something to drink. As I got up to go to the kitchen, I wobbled a bit and fell right back down. Whoaaaaaaa! I looked at the television, it began to rotate ever so slightly. WHOAAAAAA! Eventually, I made it to the kitchen on those wobbly legs and got some cold water.

When I made it back, I laid down and woke up. No. I didn't go to sleep. At least, I don't remember going to sleep. All I remember was waking up about three hours later. And, I was HUNGRY. My appetite was monstrous to say the least, super munchies. After I fed the munchies, I looked up Hempstar online. I found out it's bred by Dutch Passion and found out they changed the name from Hempstar to Brainstorm. The site says that the line was updated. That's a lot to explain so I won't.

The next day, I found out my boy Will was coming from NJ. I don't miss those occassions to hang out with friends, I don't get to see often. And, I had to share the Hempstar. It's only natural. I rolled a Honey Dutch which I only smoked a third and would smoke the rest with my boy. And, I threw in a little bit of the Hempstar on the side for when he got home. The plan: Will would come over, smoke a little, head to the movies, then to my friend Fred's spot. After Will smoked that first few puffs, it was the same story. He didn't feel anything but when he went to the bathroom, he wobbled slightly.

I don't remember what we watched at the movies but after about 45 minutes into it, I smelled the Hempstar. Mind you, Will had the marijuana including a half-blunt on his inside pocket. On top of that, he was layered because it was cold. I asked Will if he could smell it. At first he said no but confirmed it 15 minutes later. Then, this loudmouth hoodrat about 5 seats away screeches, "I SMELL MARIJUANA." I had to laugh. The guy the girl was with was trying to quiet her down. Will apologized for the marijuana being so strong.

We get to Fred's spot and they smoke the rest of the blunt. I didn't want anymore. I know my limitations. We did get the munchies later on. Just when we were about to go to the store, Fred throws me his keys. Why? He says, "This shit got me couchlocked!" He really didn't want to get up to open the door when we got back. Will turned quiet as his high settled in. He couldn't really go to sleep but I could tell he was going down. He ended up going back home a little early.

Hopefully, the US will legalize marijuana for all and I can get some seeds and grow these out.

Stay tuned for next Monday.
There's another story about another strain that's the best ever for me. It's called Hush (pronounced hoosh). I'll discuss the difference between Hempstar and Hush and tell you why I don't think that many people know about Hush. Hint: This strain is too new for the streets.

Marijuana Media: Nice Bong Hits

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Wakeup: Back to Reagan's Drug War

In this war on drugs, there is one question that every poor Black and Hispanic person in the inner city - the dealers, the users, and the innocent bystanders - wants answered, "How do these substances get into our neighborhood?"

This question comes about because there is a disconnect in the flow of drugs. For example, if you wanted to track how a car got into your neighborhood, you can track it from the manufacturer through the distribution system - trucks, trains, planes, and car salesmen - into the hands of the owner. However, when it comes to drugs we don't know the distribution system. The one question that always comes up is, "if the US government wants to stop the flow of drugs, why don't they go after the manufacturers instead of the low-level dealers?"

The answer: The US government IS the distribution system that facilitates the flow of crack, cocaine, and heroin into the nation and the inner city.

I know it all sounds like a conspiracy theory - "Oh, the big dangerous government is out to get us!" Sure, it sounds crazy. Unfortunately, it's so crazy that it's true. Listen to former DEA agent Celerino Castillo tell you about his experiences in Central and South America. It's a two part video, about an hour long total.

Folks, it's important to understand that this is NOT coming from the mouth of some paranoid crackhead. This is from the mouth of a man who was IN it all. Here are the video interview of former DEA agent Celerino Castillo:

The one thing that stood out to me before the end of the second video is that Mr. Castillo confirmed the fears that I had about heroin production in Afghanistan. I watched news reports that the US military wouldn't destroy poppy fields as they showed clips of US soldiers walking through. The one thing I knew about the Taliban in Afghanistan, they are staunch Muslims. They fought drug dealers in Afghanistan and punished them harshly with death. All of a sudden, the US comes starts the War on Terror and Afghanistan is now producing 90% of the world's heroin.

Folks, this is NOT Usher and Tameka getting a divorce. This is NOT some celebrity sex tape. This is NOT the latest Hip Hop beef. This is the Reagan era revisited. This is the crack/cocaine/heroin epidemic. This is high levels of unemployment and depressed individuals looking for an escape. This is blood-stained sidewalks and kids dying over cheap gold chains and nice sneakers. This is what I remember from the 80s under two terms of Ronald Reagan and one term of George HW Bush. We're going back to these times thanks to two terms of George W. Bush.

The only thing that's truly going to save our communities is the will to resist. We've got to be reminded of the harm done to us by this fake war on drugs. We have to be stronger than our parents were during the 80s. We have to make sure to NOT succumb to the ease of drug money and NOT look for escape in substances. This shit is coming to our doorsteps. The best thing we can do is be prepared.

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How NOT to go on a date!

I tell her, "I'll pick you up at 10. The movie starts at 10:30pm."

I arrive at her place at around 9:50pm. I call her to let her know that I am outside waiting for her. Of course, she needs a few more minutes to "make her hair look like something"

No problem.

It's 10:10. A police car passes. I text the hoodrat: "Hurry up. Cop just passed. Bet they fuck with me." Within 1 minute, the police car comes, all lights go on high beam. It's a tactic they use so they can see better as well as blind the other person just in case they want to play dirty. I know the rules, I have my information ready and my game face on. But, I can't help but laugh at the typical situation. They check my ID and leave.

It's 10:15. I think, "What is this chick doing? We're going to be late to the movie."
Text: What's taking you so long?
She responds: I'm fixing my hair.
Text: How long is it taking for you to fix your hair?
No response.
I think I wanna go back home because this chick is seriously wasting my time. But, I ain't doing shit anyway so I'll just chill.

It's 10:30. She finally comes out. She's on the phone and her hair looks like shit but I don't say anything about anything. I get out to greet her, open the door for her, etc etc etc. She doesn't get off the phone for about 10 minutes.

I fly up the parkway to get to the theater. Conversation was decent.

It's 10:50. We get to the concessions stand.
I think, "Reese's Pieces and slushie." It's not really a thought. It's what I always get. I ask her if she wants anything. It turns out to be a mistake. She looks at the menu for what seems like an eternity and moans, "Let me get a pizza." I think, "Bitch tryin to get a meal out the movies?"

"You can't have pizza," says the clerk. "The oven is off." She whines, "Oh come on. Can't you turn it on for me!" I say, "The movie has already started, choose something!" She looks at the menu for what seems like another eternity, "Gimme nachos." I think, "Hungry bitch! Get some candy!"

I pay and we make our way to our seats. Of course, the movie has started. Being that the theater was empty, I pick the middle of the second row from the back. She screeches, "I don't wanna sit there!" At this point, I am pretty much fed up. I start watching the movie, take a pull on my slushie, and tell her, "Ok, sit where you want to sit." No, I didn't sit somewhere else. I thought about it though.

Finally we're situated in our seats. Candy is open. Nachos are prepared. Slushies are actively being drained. She starts talking. At first, it's light conversation. Then I find out, she's one of those... those.. TALKERS. She's not just talking, she's discussing shit. I try to ignore. She's still talking. I try selective conversation whereby I try to control the flow of conversation by interrupting her during active scenes but re-engaging her during quiet scenes such as travel scenes and so on. I made this technique up on the spot. IT DID NOT WORK. She continued talking. I gave up and went back to ignoring her.

Although, I do believe the selective conversation technique would work on normal people who talk, it is NOT hoodrat proof.

About 20 minutes towards the end of the movie, a guy, most likely a theater employee, can be heard opening a bag of candy behind us. While it didn't bother me, my date sprang into action in the loudest possible whisper, "Why he gotta be opening his bag all loud like that for?" In my mind, all I hear is Flava Flav say, "WOOOOOOOW!" Within a few seconds, the guy is successful in opening his candy and my date turns back around to not only watch the movie but CONTINUE TALKING.

Great, the movie is over. I am ready to take her ass home. But, she must use the bathroom. No problem. A lot of people use the bathroom after the movie. That's what it's there for. What can go wrong?

"Can you hold my cup?" She hands me the cup. Noticing there's not much left in it, I ask. "Want me to just throw it out?" Sure, I knew she asked me to hold it. But, why am I holding a cup with nothing in it? I am allergic to doing dumb shit for other people. She says, "Oh no. There's something in it. I want to let it melt so I can get it."

This is usually one of those moments where you hope your face doesn't show exactly what you're feeling.

I go sit down on the bench. There's only three other people waiting with me. One person comes out and then another. Now, I am the only person left waiting. Then, I feel this shiver crawl up my shoulder and back. It really annoys me. I can feel someone staring at me. I think, "What's taking this chick so long?" I turn my head to face the bathroom and there she is standing there with this stupid smile on her face. I am thoroughly freaked out and annoyed. I just want to know what she's doing there eyeballing me like that.

I ask, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
She says, "I wanted to see who you were talking to on the phone."
I am confused.
I ask, "What makes you think I was on the phone?"
As she's walking over, she leans in and taps the bluetooth piece in my ear.
I say, "It's a bluetooth earpiece. It goes in your ear."
She says, "I heard voice outside of the bathroom."
I say, "Ummm, there were other people out here."

I finally get to drive her home.

In hindsight, I should have known it was going to be bad when the cops showed up. It's always a bad omen for Black people when the police show up. I should have just went home.

We did talk again after the date. She asked me, "what are we doing on the second date?" In my way to rebuke this demon, I said, "we'll figure it out when we get to it!" She said, "we are to it now!" I manipulated a series of fights with her, based on the truth. I don't talk to her anymore.

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Crazy Wild Surreal Dreams

I don't dream often. Or, as I was told, I dream all the time but I just don't remember them. But, when I do "remember" those dreams, they fall into two categories: recurring nightmares and incredibly surreal. While my recurring nightmares occur once in a blue moon, the incredibly surreal dreams usually happen after I eat some sort of food. I don't quite know what food helps trigger these dream states. But, I know it's going to happen when I get very tired, very quickly, and I have to just lay down and fall asleep. This is different from the "itis" which comes on slowly. I can resist that. I am talking about a "super-itis" that just puts me in this very "weakened" state.

And no. I was not high at any time. In fact, I haven't had any sweet marijuana in over four months.

So, today, I had this incredibly surreal dream. First of all, I ate a half plate of curry chicken, rice and peas, and plantain. I had to stop eating it because I found pork in it which is just unnecessary. Frankly, it's kind of gross. I laid down and wrapped myself in the comforter, snuggling up to my pillow, and just being easily taken away into dreamland.

In my dream, I wake up and I am tending to a marijuana plant. It's still pretty young and small. All I am doing is watering it with a nutrient solution (GH 3-part to be exact) and checking the leaves for any signs of damage. As I put it down, it starts to rumble lightly in my hand. I bring it back up to look at it closely and I notice the leaves start to grow quickly. Then, out of nowhere, it sprouts up about 3 feet with thick heavy buds. I don't quite know why it grew like that but I was very happy about it.

When I finally put it down, I noticed another small plant that I simply did not recognize. It was just a sprout in the dirt. But, it was in a plastic flower pot. I don't like plastic flower pots. So, I picked it up to inspect it. It didn't look like much. Once again just as I put it down, it began to grow quickly. Amazingly enough, it turned out to be a beautiful white rose which grew into an amazing white rose bush. So, I put the rose bush next to the mature marijuana plant, placed my hand on my knee, and just sat in confusion.

Then, I felt a rumble in my knee. I totally forgot about these fully grown plants and just looked at my knee half-knowing what to expect. It just looked a bit swollen but it stopped. But, my worry wasn't alleviated. Within minutes, my knee was rumbling again and started growing. It was as if the bone was sprouting more bone. Before I knew it, my knee was about six feet tall.

I woke up. I felt for my knee. It was normal. I checked the time. It was only two hours later.

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Story of a Mastermind Criminal Child

When I was in the 5th grade, PS 125 in Harlem, the teacher, Ms. C, used this reward system called Scholar Dollars. Basically, depending on the grades we got on tests, good behavior, and so on, we'd get Scholar Dollars. We would use this money to pay for trips to the bathroom, get water from the fountain, or anything else that I can't remember 18 years later.

Well one day, we were doing something on the floor of the classroom. I can't remember exactly what. But, I remember wanting to go to the bathroom. As I got up to ask permission, I grabbed for my wallet and found that it wasn't there. I looked back to the area and saw my wallet on the floor.. OPEN. I had a cheap red wallet with velcro. There's no reason it should have been open. I am pretty sure my wallet fell out of my pants as it has happened before. However, I knew someone saw it and decided to snatch my money.

I pick up my OPENED wallet and found around 13 scholar dollars left. I was robbed. I was pissed. 200+ scholar dollars gone. They had the nerve to leave me with a little something. Just take it all damn it. Don't make it look like I was just broke. I was a good student. An honor roll student. I had cake (slang meaning I had a lot of money). Oh, the heart break. I complained to Ms. C and she had no feelings for me. It was my problem and that's the end of that. I had to go to the bathroom and I had just enough left to do that. Ms C took my money. She was heartless to my plight.

When I got home, I told my father about what happened. He looked over the money I had left and said we could just make copies. EUREKA. That's a fine idea, dad. We went to his copy machine which used roller paper - thick, waxy, heavy ink. This simply would NOT work. My father said it was fine. I knew better. Unfortunately, my father was not exactly one for proper execution. In fact, he still isn't one for the proper execution of anything.

I knew, if this were going it to be done, it had to be done right. I wound up in the basement of Columbia University at their copy center. My mother had connections there so when I got there, they actually recognized me. The guy did the copies for me. But, I'd have to use that scary monster of a paper cutter on my own. I sucked it up and braved the cold hard steel torture device for perfect cuts of my new Scholar Dollars.

I went back to school with my new money. I only made enough to get back to where I was before. But, I had a lot of small bills being that's what I was left with. So, I used the students to change my 1's and 5's to 10's and 20's. I was back on top folks.

Little did I know this would be the start to my criminal career in the 5th grade.

Ms C realized what was going on. She made an announcement, among loud whispers of my name from those little snitches, that things were going to change. I knew it was because of me but she didn't point me out. Ms C set up a bank where we'd keep our money and only be allowed to deposit or withdraw once a week. And, my friend, Moses, was the banker.

I didn't think about her subsequent counter measures as a reaction to my activities. I was greedy by now. I wanted more and I was getting away with it. So, I figured out a way to get more when she set up a new barrier. She'd eventually start signing the bills individually to counter my counterfeiting. That only lead me into the world of forgery as her signature was about as difficult to forge as those Scholar Dollars. She ended up using colored paper which I suppose was harder to get.

But, that didn't stop me. Why waste my money counterfeiting and my time forging signatures when there were fresh sheets of 100 Scholar Dollar bills in the bank book, already signed? The banker was my friend. So, I got into theft and got him into theft as well. My friend would get the sheets to me and we'd split the money as I'd handle the cutting. We had thousands between us. Kids with bad grades needed a little something. They'd come to me for it.

Eventually, Ms C canceled the Scholar Dollars. I laughed. I broke the system. Counterfeiting. Forgery. Theft. Money laundering. Who would have thought a 10yo could break the system? Although, I've always felt that Ms C knew it was me, she never confronted me. But, the experience taught me a lot - due diligence, patience, moderation, planning. When someone starts changing up the game, find a new game to play.

That's the story of a mastermind criminal child. And, I still haven't been caught yet!

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Please learn english!

This whole issue of folks coming to the US and not learning a lick of English is getting out of hand.

So check this out. I am hungry as hell. It's late. But, I am hungry. Also, I need money. I hate not having shit in my pocket. I had some dollars hanging around somewhere but I didn't feel like looking.

I decide to drive to the bank. As I come out of the bank, this taxi cab pulls up next to me. The driver, a Dominican fellow, needs some directions. I mute the radio to try to hear him clearly. I still can not understand a word he is saying. Ok, I understood the word "abbanoo" which is "spanglish" for avenue. But, I couldn't understand what avenue he wanted. It sounded like 18th avenue in the Bronx. There's no 18th avenue in the Bronx, at least none that I know and definitely not in the vicinity.

So, I look at the passenger. I figure he or she could tell me. This dude opens the window and it's a Mexican guy. Would you believe his English was WORSE than the cab driver's. If I didn't understand they were looking for an avenue in the first place, I would have been completely lost from what this guy is saying. So I tell them, "I don't understand you!" They drive off!

On my hunt for food I stop by the Arab bodega around corner from my home. It's late so they got the little window open with the KFC turning thing. Alex comes to the window to call the previous customer over to let him know his stuff is ready. The customer asks the clerk for something in some of the worse spanglish I had ever heard in my life. So the clerk speaks to him in Spanish but not any sentences, just the spanish words he's picked up over the years. So, he gets the items and change. The dude requests one more item. He doesn't know the word for it in English so he tells him in Spanish. Clerk doesn't understand him because he doesn't speak spanish. He just knows a few words. So the dude looks at me as if I was going to be able to help him.

"No hablo espanol!" My accent is so tight when I say that too! By the way, that means, "I don't speak Spanish." And yes, it's in Spanish.

Dude pops out a cell phone to make a call. Obviously, he's calling to find out the word for what he wants in English. I make my order while he's on the phone. I stand back. Clerk's bringing me my order. The dude is still on the phone. Finally, he blurts out the english word for the item he needed. No, I won't tell you yet. But, I knew it was going to cause trouble so I quickly jumped ahead and added a few more items so I could be done and not have to wait for upcoming conversation of frustration. I got my stuff and just watched as I walked away.

COOKIE! This is what he wanted. He wanted some damn cookies. The clerk asks him what kind of cookies? And, there goes the further frustration I anticipated! I walked back to my car, got in and drove away.

And, "resident Americans", before you decide to use this as fodder for your own anti-immigrant stupidity, explain yourselves: Anti-Immigration Protester Needs A Spell-Check. At least immigrants have a reason. Exactly, what is yours?

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Life's Funny Little Things

So, I sit here bored out of my mind, desperately trying to fall asleep. My mind races over what's been, what is, and what might be. I decide to change my security camera position under the window sill. It's been bugging me for the last few days because I wanted a new position. I like to watch what's happening on the street below me. A new position would give me a new perspective - maybe.

As I stand up to do so, I notice, out of the corner of my eye, possibly out of the deepest corner of my peripheral vision, a small white.. something. As some of you know, my room isn't the cleanest in the world. Let's just say Hurricane Katrina made a quick stop here after it hit New Orleans. But, out of all this clutter, I noticed this little white something. It's a third, maybe a quarter, of a joint I rolled. That may not seem like much but you have to understand when I roll a joint, I roll em pretty thick and heavy. It's that concentration in such a small space that makes one of my joints pretty potent.

Anyway, it had to have some age on it because I hadn't smoked anything in 2 weeks and I was already wiring up. You see, I am kind of uptight about things - wired too tightly. Smoking calms me down, loosens me up. It keeps me from thinking about things too much as I am known to do.

I looked at it and got somewhat excited. I now had another thing to do besides reposition this camera. If I stop now to inspect this joint, I will never get to this camera I've already neglected quite enough. Well, you save the best things for last. I fix the camera and before I could close the window again my attention is focused on this joint on the floor. It's like a woman and I want to kiss her. I want that sensation again. How could I have forgotten all of this glorious herb? I think God did it. Or, maybe I did. The plant makes you somewhat forgetful but who cares; she's here now, she wants me and I want her.

I pick her up and inspect the body. I find her to be intact and begging for the heat of my Colibri. But, I want to tease her a bit, enjoy her scent, feel her body with my fingertips. I put her to my lips to breath her scent inside me. It's sort of like a taste test to make sure everything is just right! You don't just pick up a woman and start doing it. I had to make sure she's optimal because I don't want to put it in if neither one of us is ready. And, conditions are perfect.

I bit my bottom lip, trapping it between my teeth to moisten, and then lick the upper lip. I want this to be just right. She's only available to me this one time and I may not see her for another month or more. I grab my lighter and feel for the studs of the trigger. I pop the cap back to reveal the ignition chamber. I bring her to my lips, hit the trigger, and pull her essence into me. As I consume her, she consumes me. The air is flavored with her scent now.

Breath in, breath out. Repeat. Pass! To who? Back to myself.

I get a bit greedy with her. I pull on her too much. She sort of chokes me a little bit. This girl bites back. I need to ease up little bit in our session. I take my time and enjoy her to the fullest. Within a few minutes, she's giving me what I need - a release of my worries, a slight chuckle at my disposition, and an overall better time. A few minutes later and she's finished but my ride has just started.

I am high!

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