Good-Bye to a Familiar Friend & New EPA TP Conservation Regulations:

Famed television pitch man, Billy Mays, was found dead this morning, by his wife Deborah, at 7:45 a.m., at their home in Tampa, Florida at the age of 50:

Mays, made his living promoting household products and gadgets. He was best known for his Oxi-Clean commercials. Police do not suspect foul play, however an autopsy is expected to be complete tomorrow (Monday) afternoon.

Mays was on board a US Airways flight that blew out its front tires as it landed at a Tampa airport on Saturday. A US Airways spokesman, Jim Olson, said that none of the 138 passengers and five crew members were injured in the incident, but several passengers reported having bumps and bruises. Mays himself had stated that he bumped his head during the incident, but at this time, it is unknown if that is related to his death.

He is probably selling new halos to the angels.

The following was inspired by a posting on the Localmalcontent's blog, titled:
"Don't Squeeze the Charmin - You May Cut Yourself", which he posted after being inspired by a posting by Jeffro on his site. My Thanks to both.

NEW UNITED STATES ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY TP REGULATIONS:

New United States Environmental Protection Agency Toilet Paper Conservation regulation, known as The TP Conservation Act of 2009, has been signed into law by Barack Obama. This new regulation goes into effect on July 6, 2009.

Please read and familiarize yourselves with this new regulation. Those who fail to comply will face a mandatory $5,000.00 fine and/or a minimum of 5 years in a federal penitentiary.

Due to a waste of toilet paper by the general public, which has led to clogged drainage pipes and over loaded septic tanks, not to mention the vast number of trees that are required to manufacture the above mentioned product, the Environmental Protection Agency, in conjunction with the Obama administration's "GREEN POLICY", has drawn up the following method of reducing the amount of paper needed to do the job.

Fig. A

Pulling off a long amount of toilet paper is not only wasteful, but also totally uncalled for when in reality,

Fig. B

A single square will suffice just as well. Please follow the simple instructions below.

1.) Remove ONLY ONE square of TP from your roll. Any brand will do, (See Fig. B).

2.) Carefully fold POINT A to POINT B (Fig. C). This will form a basic triangle (See Fig. D).

3.) Next, fold POINT C to POINT D (Fig. D), which will form a smaller triangle.

4.) Place this triangle so that the closed fold side is to your right, and the side where POINTS C & D meet is to the bottom left. Then gently tear off POINT E at the dotted line (See Fig. E). DO NOT DISCARD this piece as it will be extremely important later.

5.) Carefully place the POINT E piece either on the sink or on the top of the toilet bowl tank for later use. Now, carefully unfold the toilet paper back to its original square form. This will reveal a circular hole in the center of the square (See Fig. F). All of the above can be done while you are sitting there answering the 'call of nature'.

Fig. G

6.) Upon completion of your business, insert your middle finger through the hole, reach back and wipe (See Fig. G.).

7.) Upon completion of the wiping process, carefully bring up the sides of the toilet paper square and wrap them around your finger. Grip it with your free hand pulling the now soiled finger down and out of the toilet paper square. This action will remove most of the offending matter from your finger and trap it within the toilet paper

8.) Deposit the soiled TP square into the toilet bowl and thoroughly was your hands with plenty of soap and hot water.

9.) After thoroughly drying your hands, take that piece (POINT E) that you had set aside earlier, and use it to clean underneath your fingernail and deposit it into the toilet bowl.

10.) Flush the toilet and your job is done.

If we all do our part and comply with this new regulation, we can go a long way to conserve and protect our environment.

Thank you for your cooperation,

United States Environmental Protection Agency & the Obama administration.