How NOT to go on a date!

I tell her, "I'll pick you up at 10. The movie starts at 10:30pm."

I arrive at her place at around 9:50pm. I call her to let her know that I am outside waiting for her. Of course, she needs a few more minutes to "make her hair look like something"

No problem.

It's 10:10. A police car passes. I text the hoodrat: "Hurry up. Cop just passed. Bet they fuck with me." Within 1 minute, the police car comes, all lights go on high beam. It's a tactic they use so they can see better as well as blind the other person just in case they want to play dirty. I know the rules, I have my information ready and my game face on. But, I can't help but laugh at the typical situation. They check my ID and leave.

It's 10:15. I think, "What is this chick doing? We're going to be late to the movie."
Text: What's taking you so long?
She responds: I'm fixing my hair.
Text: How long is it taking for you to fix your hair?
No response.
I think I wanna go back home because this chick is seriously wasting my time. But, I ain't doing shit anyway so I'll just chill.

It's 10:30. She finally comes out. She's on the phone and her hair looks like shit but I don't say anything about anything. I get out to greet her, open the door for her, etc etc etc. She doesn't get off the phone for about 10 minutes.

I fly up the parkway to get to the theater. Conversation was decent.

It's 10:50. We get to the concessions stand.
I think, "Reese's Pieces and slushie." It's not really a thought. It's what I always get. I ask her if she wants anything. It turns out to be a mistake. She looks at the menu for what seems like an eternity and moans, "Let me get a pizza." I think, "Bitch tryin to get a meal out the movies?"

"You can't have pizza," says the clerk. "The oven is off." She whines, "Oh come on. Can't you turn it on for me!" I say, "The movie has already started, choose something!" She looks at the menu for what seems like another eternity, "Gimme nachos." I think, "Hungry bitch! Get some candy!"

I pay and we make our way to our seats. Of course, the movie has started. Being that the theater was empty, I pick the middle of the second row from the back. She screeches, "I don't wanna sit there!" At this point, I am pretty much fed up. I start watching the movie, take a pull on my slushie, and tell her, "Ok, sit where you want to sit." No, I didn't sit somewhere else. I thought about it though.

Finally we're situated in our seats. Candy is open. Nachos are prepared. Slushies are actively being drained. She starts talking. At first, it's light conversation. Then I find out, she's one of those... those.. TALKERS. She's not just talking, she's discussing shit. I try to ignore. She's still talking. I try selective conversation whereby I try to control the flow of conversation by interrupting her during active scenes but re-engaging her during quiet scenes such as travel scenes and so on. I made this technique up on the spot. IT DID NOT WORK. She continued talking. I gave up and went back to ignoring her.

Although, I do believe the selective conversation technique would work on normal people who talk, it is NOT hoodrat proof.

About 20 minutes towards the end of the movie, a guy, most likely a theater employee, can be heard opening a bag of candy behind us. While it didn't bother me, my date sprang into action in the loudest possible whisper, "Why he gotta be opening his bag all loud like that for?" In my mind, all I hear is Flava Flav say, "WOOOOOOOW!" Within a few seconds, the guy is successful in opening his candy and my date turns back around to not only watch the movie but CONTINUE TALKING.

Great, the movie is over. I am ready to take her ass home. But, she must use the bathroom. No problem. A lot of people use the bathroom after the movie. That's what it's there for. What can go wrong?

"Can you hold my cup?" She hands me the cup. Noticing there's not much left in it, I ask. "Want me to just throw it out?" Sure, I knew she asked me to hold it. But, why am I holding a cup with nothing in it? I am allergic to doing dumb shit for other people. She says, "Oh no. There's something in it. I want to let it melt so I can get it."

This is usually one of those moments where you hope your face doesn't show exactly what you're feeling.

I go sit down on the bench. There's only three other people waiting with me. One person comes out and then another. Now, I am the only person left waiting. Then, I feel this shiver crawl up my shoulder and back. It really annoys me. I can feel someone staring at me. I think, "What's taking this chick so long?" I turn my head to face the bathroom and there she is standing there with this stupid smile on her face. I am thoroughly freaked out and annoyed. I just want to know what she's doing there eyeballing me like that.

I ask, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
She says, "I wanted to see who you were talking to on the phone."
I am confused.
I ask, "What makes you think I was on the phone?"
As she's walking over, she leans in and taps the bluetooth piece in my ear.
I say, "It's a bluetooth earpiece. It goes in your ear."
She says, "I heard voice outside of the bathroom."
I say, "Ummm, there were other people out here."

I finally get to drive her home.

In hindsight, I should have known it was going to be bad when the cops showed up. It's always a bad omen for Black people when the police show up. I should have just went home.

We did talk again after the date. She asked me, "what are we doing on the second date?" In my way to rebuke this demon, I said, "we'll figure it out when we get to it!" She said, "we are to it now!" I manipulated a series of fights with her, based on the truth. I don't talk to her anymore.