The THING Under My Bed

THE "THING" UNDER MY BED

Dear God,
I realize that You are very busy, what with keeping the universe running smoothly and putting up with bone heads here on earth, but I do have a rather sticky problem with something vile hiding under my bed. Now, I must be honest and tell You that I haven't actually seen anything under my bed, but that is because I have not had the courage to actually peek under there, however, I know that something foul and despicable has made itself at home in the space between the floor and my box spring and it is having a detrimental effect on my efforts to get a good nights sleep.

As the God and Creator of the universe, I humbly ask You to please look into this matter at your earliest convenience.

Thank You for your kind consideration in this matter and for your many blessings.

Your loving and devoted servant,

"Abouna"


Dear Heavenly Father,
I am beseeching You a second time concerning the "Thing" lurking beneath my bed. I know You are busy, but since You are the Creator of the universe, I feel that this problem falls under your direct jurisdiction, and I must demand that You look into this matter post haste, because not only am I unable to get a decent nights sleep, but I am also unable to access my favorite pair of shoes which are stored beneath my bed, due to the "Thing" that has taken up residence there.

Respectfully, Your humble servant,
"Abouna"

My Dearest "Abouna";
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I have not been neglectful of your concerns regarding a potential vile creature lurking beneath your bed. Please note that while you were out and about, I made a careful inspection of your sleeping quarters, paying special attention to the area beneath your bed, and other then an abundance of "dust bunnies", one sock and an empty Hershey bar wrapper, along with the above mentioned shoes, I saw no evidence of any vile creatures, monsters or demons. But just to be on the safe side, I did have one of my archangels give it a blessing with my special formula "Demon-Be-Gone" spray.

This should resolve your problem.

Your Heavenly Father


Dear Heavenly Father;
Thank you for your kind response and attention to what appears to be an annoying and persistent problem involving a monster lurking in the area beneath my bed. Its proximity to my sleeping area is most uncomfortable and is not conducive to a good nights sleep.

I have to regretfully inform You that your "Demon-Be-Gone" spray failed to have its desired effect and I am still plagued by nightmares due to the "Thing" which continues to inhabit the area under my bed. Also, as much as I hate to mention it, when I awoke this morning, after a particularly frightening dream, I noticed a rather large wet area on my sheets that had a distinctive odor of urine, which means that the nightmare scared the p%#s out of me.

Please advise if you can provide a better solution to this monster problem.

Sincerely,

"Abouna"

Dear "Abouna";
I sincerely apologize for your continuing problem of a monster lurking beneath your bed. I really do not understand how the "Demon-Be-Gone" spray failed to work. However, since you are important to me, I have complied with your request for further action, and if you notice, I have installed a brand new state of the art monster alert detector. It looks very similar to an ordinary nite-lite. It has a "praying hands" motif, which I thought was a nice touch. This will most certainly solve your on-going monster problem.

Thank you again for bringing this matter to my attention.

God

Dear Sir;
Once again, thank You for your timely response. Your quick actions have been duly noted. However, I must regretfully inform you, that the so-called monster alert detector which you so kindly installed has failed to meet its intended purpose, as I still sense activity under my bed, but I remain to scared to look.

Please correct this situation or may I suggest that you hire some one with more experience at eradicating monsters lurking under beds.

Fearfully,

Bishop Gregori


Bishop Gregori,
I convey my sincerest apologies for your on-going "Thing", monster or whatever under your bed. I had no idea that my state of the art monster detector would be such an abject and dismal failure. I had personally tested it years ago in the bedrooms of your sons when they were little and it worked perfectly. However, I have gone ahead and laid some invisible monster traps underneath your bed, which should most certainly deter and prevent any further occupation by demons or monsters in the space beneath your bed. I have done this even though I have discerned no evidence, physical or spiritual of any monsters beneath your bed.

Sincerely,
God


Sir;
"Invisible monster traps" Do you take me for a fool? The situation has gone from bad to worse, as the monster keeps thumping the underside of my mattress every time I begin to doze off. This situation has become so dire because I am unable to get any sleep at all. I am beginning to question your ability as a creator, but I will allow you one more opportunity to provide a resolution to this on-going problem. If you are unable to handle such a little situation as monsters under beds, I shall be forced to turn Buddhist.

Regretfully,
Gregori


Gregori,
I can assure you that I have solved your damn annoying problem once and for all regarding suspected monsters, demons, ogres, and any other demonic creatures residing under your stinking bed. You can go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that tonight and all future nights, there will be no monsters lurking beneath your box spring, lying in wait, plotting and scheming your untimely demise.

How can I be so certain of this, you ask? Because, this morning, while you were out walking Munchkin, who, might I add, has more sense then you, I sawed the damn legs off your bed. Now please be so kind as to not bother me with such ridiculousness again. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS UNDER PEOPLE'S BEDS! NOW GO TO SLEEP!

Yours Truly,
GOD



OH Yea?